Of Superficial Matters

You know the saying 'Feed a Fever, Starve a Cold?' Well, inadvertently I ended up starving the cold and now I actually need to gain some weight. Which is very rare for a female in this society to actually want to do, I know, but being 5'5" and under a three digit weight is really kind of unhealthy. American advertising and fashion models have not completely brainwashed me, which should be celebrated!

I don't talk to people about it, but I find talking about any aspect of my appearance unsettling. I know (as I've been told) that I am by no means overweight or ugly. And I think that in order to have a healthy self esteem people should be told about their good qualities. But I always get uncomfortable when people point out things like my weight or appearance (in good ways).

This is what runs through my mind:
I think about my weight far more often than I'd like. So maybe fashion models HAVE brainwashed me, slightly. Dammit, they've won! But I think about it because I have seen what happens to my family members when they stop taking care of themselves. And it's not pretty. It's just pretty... big.

And also, I modeled for a bit while I was in high school. And that's something that I regret. Because it's hard enough being a teenager. But modeling is not cut out for the weak. And I was told to lose some weight to get more jobs and did I ever take that to heart. I was by no means fat! In fact, it makes me angry that companies tell things like that to little girls! And what kills me is that even now, when I step on the scales, I always check to see if I am under a certain number.

What it really boils down to is this: outer beauty only lasts while we're young. I don't want to keep fighting this battle and eventually warring with food by the time I'm 41. I don't want to miss being told that I'm pretty and end up some silicon, Botoxed vain creature. I want to age naturally. If things start to sag, well BFD!



I'm scared that no one sees that I'm a good, kind person inside, and that's what true beauty is. That's important when you date people... this actually has been a huge issue in my past, I feel like. There's a girl inside. Get to know her, and not just carnally!

I'm scared that I'm not really beautiful inside and I'm just dull and boring, so when I get older I'll just be a non-attractive boring old... crone.



GAH! Insecurity! However, it helps to vent.

So! I have earned a large juicy hamburger with some chili cheese fries.