Start. Stop. Stall. Start Again.

I hate break-up blogs. I usually take down those posts because they're a little too personal, and not something I want the second party to find. And also, hey, I usually got back together with that particular person, but finally things have changed.

But I think that now, two months later, I have to turn to here to release some things I've noticed about myself. Not things I want to share with friends, but hey, the somewhat anonymity of the internet works better than nothing at all.

I think the past is better left unsaid. All the time I spent with this one person, and still I'm only half of the story. I just know I was unhappy. And even through the periods of doubt and loneliness, I know what I did was right.

Everyone should know the woes of a break up. However, that's not what I want to get at. Sure, the first weeks were toughest. But hey, time marched on and I got on to a month. And things finally got easier. I was always able to function, but I could finally do it less melancholy.

But I underestimated the utter devastation just contacting my ex could wreck on me. We went weeks of dead silence. Then there was a phone call. Wow. Tears baby. Rivers. On my side. I guess I underestimated that after a breakup a guy just moves right on to the next thing. It hurts a girl to realize that two years can be forgotten in a day.

But two months. I thought I was all better. At least working to the point of accepting dates again. Pain be damned! He's over, I'm over it.

Wrong. Phone call.


And the worst of it is throughout this break up I've discovered this dark, hurting part of me. The side that wants to cuss him out when he calls me up, nonchalantly. The part that wants him to hurt as much as me, that's crying for attention, that'll say mean things like, "I want you to never come back! I hate you!" It's seething and tormenting and sometimes it'll come out of the blue and taunt me. I do fine most of the time, but the days after contact with my ex it seems to resurface.

It's bottled up, but it's still there. And I hate it. I didn't want to be this girl full of hate. I want to love and be loved. So I'm acknowledging it. And I'm trying to work through it. Don't be that girl. Rise above it all.